random silly complaints

My friend, wolfy and I rp sometimes... and I really wish he would stop pulling out infinitely powerful weapons! >:I It kind of bothers me that if he wanted to he could just kill off any character that pissed him off. Like, today he was gonna kill off my character, Blitz. I mean, I can understand that Blitz is a mean-ass bitch, but it's just not fair. I have a plan for him, and Wolfy shouldn't interrupt that plan.

Oh well... that's kind of trivial anyway. There's something kind of more serious going on...
He might leave forever. I'm kind of frustrated, but I can't blame him for wanting to leave. His family doesn't appreciate him very much.

I guess this is what I get, isn't it.... I abandoned someone recently............ Maybe I deserve to be abandoned too.

finally broke up

I finally broke up with him like I've been writing about. It was about 45 minutes ago. I don't know how to feel about it. Right now I don't feel much of anything. I'm sure when my mother finds out I'll be forced to have an emotion. But for the moment I'm not sure that it's really sunk in.

I won't see Dustin again.

Even typing that sentence didn't bring about anything. Maybe it's just that I've been tied up in knots for days now, trying to figure out how to do it. Now it's done.

I gotta figure out what to tell my mother. She's gonna ask why, obviously. I guess I'll just tell her the truth; I did it because I've been freaking out over it for days and I needed to get it off my chest. And then I'll plead with her to not be angry with me (she threw a huge fit over my last break up).

Boyfriend...

We have done a lot for each other during our time together. We've had each other's backs and genuinely cared about one another. But things just don't seem right anymore. It doesn't feel like it used to. And I think I know what it is.

We're not really friends anymore. The whole friendship factor in our relationship has disappeared. This was the basis of my romantic feelings toward you; without it, there is no romance. I don't know what's going to happen to us, but you need to grow up and start getting used to the idea that things don't always work out.

Before I go any further, don't you start threatening me with suicide! That is incredibly childish and selfish. I cannot be held responsible for your life! I still care about you very much, but this whole thing hurts like a bitch and I really just need to tell you how things REALLY are.

Now, I'm tired of talking about SOME DAY being able to hang out together and get to be friends again. I'm  tired of hearing that you're doing everything you can to make me happy. The point is that it isn't working.

But most of all, I'm tired of feeling like this lack of romantic feeling is somehow my fault or your fault. The truth is, it isn't anyone's fault. It's just something that happened.

So, let me know when you're actually ready to form a friendship with me again. Because, until then, any romance that happens between us just feels like a lie.

Sincerely
Me

We need to break up....
Things are just depressing.
We never see each other.
When we talk on the phone he doesn't ask about me. He doesn't seem interested. I went on a trip this past weekend and when I got back he didn't ask about it at all.
I don't have fun with him. We never do anything together unless it's sex and, frankly, I just don't like sex. At least not these days.
We don't talk about anything- we don't have deep, engaging discussions like we used to. We hardly have anything to talk about.

Boyfriend......

We're just not good together anymore. I know you love me and I love you, too. But, to be honest, every time I think about you I just feel depressed.

I don't like having sex, any more. I'm never satisfied. I always start to have a panic attack when you come onto me because I know you're going to want me to be satisfied and I know I won't be. I don't want it when you want it. I want it when I'm fuckin done with whatever the hell I'm doing.

You're too nice.... but I also don't like it when you're not nice... Can't you be that positive, individual man that I love? The one that's polite and kind but is still his own person?

It's not okay to use suicide as a means to keep me with you. That's dumb and childish and a really low move.

I don't really fucking know what I'm going to do about all of this.... I guess I'll talk to you about it when I see you.

bf troubles

I've been thinking about me and my boyfriend. Lately, whenever I'm with him I end up feeling terribly uninterested. This time I started off happy to see him and then he just slept and slept and stared at me and slept some more. And I just fuckin wanted him to go away >:I
But then he got up and actually started doing something. More importantly he left me alone. Now, I feel great! I'm sitting in my room. It's quiet. There's not another person taking up space, getting in my way. I just hope it lasts.

I don't know what it is. I don't really feel like being around him, or if I do then it's when his attention isn't on me. I guess, I just don't really feel very comfortable when he's paying attention to me. I don't know why. Plus, he's never any fun to talk to anymore.

It's so weird...... I've just got no idea what to think about all this or how to make sense of it.

Just feeling weird about this one thing

You see, I like to draw and write. When I'm writing about something and coming up with a new story I will do character designs. My boyfriend has never really shown an interest in this and I've become comfortable with him not being a part of it. Well, now, all of a sudden he's acting interested.

I know why he's doing it; recently we talked about how we're growing apart because we don't have anything in common and we never really hang out anymore. He wants to know more about my writing and drawing and, frankly, I'm not comfortable with it. Drawing and writing are something I only share with my friend Gobi and sometimes other close friends. But never with him.

I feel like he's invading my personal space. This is the last thing I have that's only mine. It's more than just simply writing and drawing, it's a place where I dream all my secret dreams and make all my private wishes. It's a sacred place. People like Gobi will not make it dirty because she isn't afraid. She and I don't have to agree on everything. She'll share my dreams with me and encourage me selflessly. But my bf wouldn't understand. He takes everything and makes it about him. If I'm lonely then I shouldn't be lonely because he is there. If I feel like my life is pointless then I shouldn't because I have him.

I guess I'm making him sound like a bad person, and he isn't. He's just kind of self-centered when it comes to these things. He has a hard time thinking that whatever is wrong could be about something besides him.

I guess our problem is that this sacred place is about me and what I want and what I feel. I'm not ashamed of my thoughts there. It's the last place that is only about me, and I don't want that to go away. That's why he really needs to back off.

This journaling thing really is helpful. When I started writing, I didn't know exactly what my problem was. Now I do. Go figure :]