bf troubles

I've been thinking about me and my boyfriend. Lately, whenever I'm with him I end up feeling terribly uninterested. This time I started off happy to see him and then he just slept and slept and stared at me and slept some more. And I just fuckin wanted him to go away >:I
But then he got up and actually started doing something. More importantly he left me alone. Now, I feel great! I'm sitting in my room. It's quiet. There's not another person taking up space, getting in my way. I just hope it lasts.

I don't know what it is. I don't really feel like being around him, or if I do then it's when his attention isn't on me. I guess, I just don't really feel very comfortable when he's paying attention to me. I don't know why. Plus, he's never any fun to talk to anymore.

It's so weird...... I've just got no idea what to think about all this or how to make sense of it.

Just feeling weird about this one thing

You see, I like to draw and write. When I'm writing about something and coming up with a new story I will do character designs. My boyfriend has never really shown an interest in this and I've become comfortable with him not being a part of it. Well, now, all of a sudden he's acting interested.

I know why he's doing it; recently we talked about how we're growing apart because we don't have anything in common and we never really hang out anymore. He wants to know more about my writing and drawing and, frankly, I'm not comfortable with it. Drawing and writing are something I only share with my friend Gobi and sometimes other close friends. But never with him.

I feel like he's invading my personal space. This is the last thing I have that's only mine. It's more than just simply writing and drawing, it's a place where I dream all my secret dreams and make all my private wishes. It's a sacred place. People like Gobi will not make it dirty because she isn't afraid. She and I don't have to agree on everything. She'll share my dreams with me and encourage me selflessly. But my bf wouldn't understand. He takes everything and makes it about him. If I'm lonely then I shouldn't be lonely because he is there. If I feel like my life is pointless then I shouldn't because I have him.

I guess I'm making him sound like a bad person, and he isn't. He's just kind of self-centered when it comes to these things. He has a hard time thinking that whatever is wrong could be about something besides him.

I guess our problem is that this sacred place is about me and what I want and what I feel. I'm not ashamed of my thoughts there. It's the last place that is only about me, and I don't want that to go away. That's why he really needs to back off.

This journaling thing really is helpful. When I started writing, I didn't know exactly what my problem was. Now I do. Go figure :]

Depression

mkay
So I'm really fucking depressed. It's probably clinical depression or something, but that doesn't matter because I'm a poor person. And poor people can't afford to go to psychiatrists to get diagnosed and then go buy happy pills every month.
I was looking online for other ways to help me get over it. One way is by keeping a journal. Good thing I have like 20 of them scattered all across the internet.
It's really weird. I woke up feeling good today, and then it just slowly came over me. Same thing happened yesterday. I don't wanna draw or write anything like usual. I don't wanna look at shit online. I don't wanna do stuff around my house. I don't want to watch tv.
Actually, I kind of feel like doing something stupid and dangerous. Like picking a fight with a stranger, or wandering around the woods at night alone. But my family would give me hell if anything ever happened to me. Honestly, I could care less if they were worried, I just don't feel like answering their questions.

Last night I had a dream that I was at my boyfriend's house. It was night. I was trying to sleep. He suddenly became very angry about something unrelated to me. I layed there listening for a moment. Then I suddenly sat up and got out of bed. Wearing only a t-shirt and some shorts that I sleep in, I slipped on my flip-flops and just walked out of his house without him even noticing. I remember wondering if I should go back for my stuff that I'd left there, then I was just like, "fuck it" and left. Left the door hanging open. I was so relieved to be escaping from that anger.
I think this dream is about how I want to run away from my problems and not look back. That's true. That's how i always want to deal with stuff.
Well I've run out of stuff to write.

Two posts in a row? Witchcraft!!
lol I'm just sooo effin excited! I'm going out with mah boyfriend today. He's been really down lately so I'm hoping I can cheer him up....

But anyway; I've been on this creative streak. Yesterday I drew all these random holiday greetings. The first is for Christmas. The other two are Valentines Day.

Ya know... I'm pretty sure I started writing this for some other reason, but I can't remember it! So..... ttyl!

Fuck Classics -_-

Well, I've been trying to read more classics lately, in preparation for the college that I may or may not end up attending any time soon. I've started out reading The Scarlet Letter, because when I took the SRI test in high school, that was the only book in our library that was up to my comprehension level.

I haven't finished that one (it's very long-winded and lately I just can't sit still long enough to do more than a chapter each sitting), but now I'm trying to read The Adventures of Huckleberry Fin. I just can't get into it, though. The time period it's set in just doesn't hold any interest for me and I feel like the characters are just totally unrelatable; mostly because of their accents. It's just that I have such a hard time sifting through their accents to get to the information that I soon grow bored of it and just don't even care anymore. I would like it better if Mark Twain had simply left the accent up to me to apply.

I'm probably going to give up on that book and go for the more dark and macabre classics- they're WAY more interesting.